Things are settling into a routine and he is taking his medicine pretty well. So...why am I not sleeping? Why am I still so worried all the time? Why do I feel so sad? I know many of you have noticed I have my ups and downs, and I cycle through them periodically. I have a few "my kid has cancer" days, and I am overwhelmed with all the emotions and worries that go with it. Then I move on, do what needs to be done, and figuratively smack myself in the face and say "buck up, your kids need you." It just gets to me sometimes, and I guess right now is one of those times. I feel like I am failing in so many ways: as a mother, a wife, a daughter, everything. I feel like I could be doing better, just cannot muster the energy (or find the time) right now to do it. I am cranky with the kids, and they do not deserve it. They deserve my best, so I am going to somehow pull it out. I can do this.
I hope you are able to speak with other mom's going through this major life trauma. Maybe the SW. There is no perfect way to go through this time of fear and grief. Yes, grief. Grief for what you had, what you want to have, the unknown. You are a woman juggling what none of us should. Be half as kind, patient, generous, and caring to yourself as you are to everyone else. I know I don't know you dear but what you are doing shows your love. You can't be there for everyone. You need to be there for yourself, your children, and husband. No one else, not now.
ReplyDeletePeace and Love,
Debbie