I had a
dream nightmare last night. In my dream Logan had a relapse, and he was back in the fight for his life. I woke from it gasping and startled, exactly like when you wake up from a dream in which you are falling. It was that scary. It was one of those dreams that are so realistic that after you wake, you actually have to mentally tick off what has happened in the past couple of days just to make sure it is not true. My first thought when I woke was "oh, it was a dream." But then I wasn't so sure. I went through the events of the dream: Sara telling us that Logan had relapsed. The pitying looks of the nurses at the clinic. Myself collapsing in tears at the thought of putting Logan through all that again. Even questioning the treatment course when it was laid before me. Why a similar course of chemo vs a bone marrow transplant? That's about the time I woke up. Even in my dream I was analytical and wanting to know details. I think that is one of the reasons why it felt so real. It is still haunting me this evening. I put a reminder in my phone to write it here, then I put it off when it dinged. I didn't want to face it and fully remember the details. Then I forced myself, and it is painful. Though I am glad I am doing it, because it is therapeutic in a way. I can let it go, and move on because I can't stop it if Logan relapses. I have no control. That dream is my worst nightmare, and it could very well happen. I cannot do anything about it.
I think the fear will always be there, though I try and shove it to the back of my mind. Since I cannot stop it, I can live and love my family. I can enjoy a nice Christmas with my loved ones, with Logan right in the middle of it all. I can plan ahead, look forward to Logan's events next year with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. We can make plans for fundraising, so that our team is bigger this year for Light the Night and brings in more money. Research is needed. Not only for leukemia and lymphoma, but specifically childhood cancers. Only 4% of national cancer funding goes to all of the childhood cancers combined. That is ridiculous! Our children are not just smaller adults. They suffer many more long term effects, and (hopefully) have significantly more time for these effects to impact their lives. We don't know what will happen with Logan in the future. We do not know how all the chemo will impact his future health. We can just hope, and advocate, and raise money, and love.
