Worst day of our lives

June 3^rd was the worst day of my life. My son, Logan, has Leukemia and I am in shock. I don’t want to believe it. I want to change it. This sucks. Why? Why this happy, charming, beautiful boy? Why any child? It’s not that I think I am better than anyone else and therefore my child should not get cancer. No child should, but definitely not mine.

June 6th

Here I am almost exactly three days later, and I thought I was doing better. He had a good morning, and told me "my tired's all gone." But now it is night time, and am I sleeping next to him in the hospital bed? No, I had to get up because I was crying so hard I thought I would wake him. He is tired, he does not feel good, he has dark circles under his eyes. And then he said “Logan hurts.” He is still sore from getting the port inserted into his chest yesterday, so his neck and shoulder hurts. And he is also sore from the bone marrow biopsy and spinal tap, so he won’t bend over and pick anything up off of the floor.  And I think he just doesn’t feel good from the chemo that started today.

I fear that he will eventually hate me because I am always making him take medicine. He doesn’t understand, and I can’t bear to force him to take it from the nurses. He is just so scared when they come in and want to give him stuff. He doesn’t scream with me, but still doesn’t like it. It would be so much easier if I could just take the pain or not feel good for him. I would do it in a second, because it is breaking my heart.

I fear that going through this will change him more than just physically. For almost 3 years he has been such a happy little boy, and I do not want that to change. I know that he doesn’t feel good, but I just want to hear him laugh and see a big smile. He is still so sweet, and is constantly asking for hugs. He needs that comfort often, and I am so appreciative that he will ask when he needs it.

June 10, 2013

We came home last night. It was an emotional roller coaster. Are his counts ok? What will today’s blood work show? He was on a modified diet for about a day and a half to get some of the toxins out of his blood. The only thing that really impacted him was the fact that he was limited to only 4 ounces of milk for the entire day. And when we found out about that restriction, he had already drank about 12 ounces that morning. All he wanted to drink was milk, I think it was comforting. Well, we survived that, and his blood chemistry was fine even with bending on the milk restriction. So we are finally home. We were gone seven days and 6 nights. When we told him we were going home, I don’t think he believed us. He kept asking “my white house?” When we arrived at home, he blended right in playing with Alexis with the help of his new Cars balloon. Then we tried to get back into the normal bedtime routine, and he did not put up a fuss. I was so relieved, and I was exhausted too so we went to bed shortly after.