New concepts

This whole being honest about how I am doing is a new concept for me, and so is accepting help. Usually, no matter what, if some one asks how I am doing then I always answer in the positive. And I always decline help or offerings. Not sure why, even if someone offers me a drink in their home or to do something for me, I never accept. I don't want to put people out, or I feel like they do not really want to help. I know this is not true. The majority of the time, people do not offer to do something if they are not willing to do it, even happy to do it. I am usually the one offering, and I always want to help others.

I am trying to be honest about how we are doing: this is a struggle. I am sad, scared, worried, in denial, and just downright mad at everything. These feelings come and go. I will feel like I am doing better, when in fact I am just distracted. Then reality sets in. This happened at the hospital a few days into our initial stay after the diagnosis. I was doing better, and no longer sick to my stomach. I had been busy keeping Logan happy and occupied while attached to all of the tubes and undergoing procedures, surgeries, etc. Then when Eric got to the hospital after work, I went down to get us some dinner and stepped outside the hospital. It seemed to hit me all at once. I do not know if it was the fact that it was the first time I stepped outside of the hospital walls into "reality" and it was all still true. Or maybe it was because I was alone and no longer distracted. Then I have been busy cleaning and organizing since we have been home. Probably because that is one of the things I can actually control right now. And if you know me, I like to be in control and for everything to be planned and predictable. I do think I am settling in, and accepting things. We can't make it go away, that is not something I can control. I can just try and keep him happy, and try to make Alexis' summer as fun as possible (which will be a challenge at this point).

I will do my best to accept help. I know I will need the support and offers of assistance, and I appreciate them. It is just hard for me, so be patient. We are doing well right now, and trying to settle into a routine. We want life at home to be as "normal" as possible. Of course I realized this morning that I haven't even purchased Fathers Day cards, not to mention put them in the mail. Well, they will get there eventually. Everyone knows that we love them.